Pretending You’re Rich
in
A
12-step program to looking like a million bucks
when
you’re really just a chump with change.
By
Terence Loose
|
F |
ace it. In this town it takes a little flash and a lot of cash
to get respect. Problem is, to get it you’ve got to look like you don’t need
it. Money begets money. Or at least the appearance of money does. You’ve seen them, the posers working harder
on creating the façade of wealth than actually accumulating it. Here’s the
reality, though. You probably only spotted the bunglers, the jokers who
couldn’t act their way out of a brown bag lunch, while the real pros are
sipping decaf espressos all around you.
But don’t worry, follow this easy 12-step program and you, too,
can be one of them, looking like you’re making bank, when in reality you’re
just one bad deal away from bankruptcy.
1 Sweet Ride
To make the deals you have to have the wheels. Like it or
not, the minute you step out of the 1989 tan Volvo any caché
you thought you had is now road kill. So the first and most important thing you
can do – and I mean now, while your credit is still good – is fit yourself with
a Mercedes SL 500. Platinum colored, of course. Now, you might be tempted to
get the coupe, which really says money, but resist the urge. It’s much easier
for people to see you in the convertible. It’ll run you over $1,500 a month,
but don’t think of it as just a car payment; it’s an investment in your future.
Just look what you paid for that college degree, and that didn’t even come with
leather.
2 Home Humble Home
With the hefty car payment, your home is not exactly going to
be styling. If you can swing it, nab a rental in Eastside Costa Mesa. But even
that might be too taxing. Just remember, no one got to the top without a little
suffering, so it’s hello
3 Rags to Riches
You cannot step out of the pimped-out SL wearing those
threadbare Dockers and an unpressed Gap button down.
This is where Corona del Mar’s Recycled Rags comes in. It’s the Salvation Army
for the rich and pampered – or at least the wannabe rich and pampered, which is
you. Most of the merchandise is designer women’s wear, but catch the place on
the right day and you can score a Boss Hugo Boss or Armani, for a third of
retail.
4 The Look
The car and the suit get you into the crowd. Now your mission
is to stand out. This is where grooming – or the lack thereof – comes in.
First, let’s talk facial hair, the tattoo of the upper class. The goal is to
fight the ubiquitous goatee but still grab the upper hand, or chin, on the
clean shaven guys. The answer is an uneven scruff over the upper lip and around
the bottom of the chin. Very
5 Can You Hear Me Now?
Cell phones are as important an accessory to your new look as
your bold stride. You’ll need two. Don’t stress, one can be an older model; no
one’s ever going to see it. Although, for comfort’s sake, it should be sleek;
it stays in your pocket at all times. Whenever you find the conversation moving
in a bad direction (i.e., off of you and your future) you slip your hand into
your pocket and speed dial your other, very flashy, cell. It will pull all
attention back to you, at which point you check the number, give a “they can
wait for me” look and say, “Sorry, these damn brokers.” Or, in emergencies (say
when the Fleming’s bartender has just dropped a check for your and your party’s
drinks) you can look horribly sorry and have to take the call, thereby escaping
having to grab your wallet. One last cell phone must: Always have it to your
ear while driving with the SL top down.
6 Coffee Break
Now that you have the complete look going, it’s time to
flaunt it. And there’s no better place than Peet’s
Coffee in Corona del Mar Plaza. To give the full effect, you need a front row
park, which could take a few spins around the lot. Once parked, announce your
presence with the little chirp of locking doors. Totally unnecessary, of
course, since it’s a convertible, but remember, it’s all about entrance. Order
the coffee of the day, black. It saves you money and says you are not afraid to
be a regular guy. Men respect that. This is also a good place to hand out cards
with that impressive address on it.
7 Learn from the Competition’s Mistakes.
In this case, that means hitting The Car Spa on
8 Culture Club
Sure, attaining a modicum of culture sounds difficult. In
reality, it couldn’t be easier. You could join the monthly Laguna Art Walk, but
you’re in with the masses there. Better to attend a few well chosen artist
receptions every month. And the best part is you get free wine and sometimes
even hors d’oeuvres. Unfortunately, your Johnny Depp
look won’t stand out as much in this crowd, but neither will your complete lack
of art knowledge. Just mumble something about the “use of narcissistic colors
to express man’s joyful dilemma.” When that fails talk about the total Feng Shui-ness of the gallery. No
one will call you on this one, trust me.
9 Party Crasher
The down side of the cultural tours is they let anyone in. So
you’ll need to graduate to the real power parties – the ritzy fundraisers. Of
course, it takes big money to get in the gala door, which you don’t have, which
is why it’s so important you get in. This, I admit, is a little riskier than
the other steps, but remember: big risks mean big gains. The key is to divine
when dinner ends and the party starts. At that time, approach the back kitchen
entrance – if it’s held in a tent, all the better. Find a busboy or waiter on a
smoking break – there’s always one – and slip him a 20 to let you in through
the kitchen. Then, and this is very important, emerge from the serving door
while pulling a dessert fork from your mouth. Looking back into the kitchen,
say to the confused kitchen staff, “That sure was some dessert, thanks for the
recipe.” Trade that fork in for a chardonnay from a passing waiter and it’s
party/schmoozing time, baby.
10 Life of Leisure
Since our town is a resort, a lot of players “vacation”
close. Real close, as in the local hotels and spas. There’s no way you’re
getting into some chi-chi spa, of course, but you can still enjoy luxury. Check
out the Ritz-Carlton pool, for instance. Easy to get in, and you can even save
the hefty valet parking fee by parking in the Salt Creek meters. Once you’ve
safely infiltrated the pool deck, look for a chaise longue near a local
businessman or golf widow; just look for faces you saw at Peet’s
or those ritzy galas. Strike up a conversation – you are an expert by now – and
suggest lunch by the pool. Before it’s brought out, check your wallet, wince,
and admit (the rich love admissions), “I forgot cash, and (check over shoulder
for effect) I’m not actually staying here this weekend. It’s just my pool is
being retiled today.” Enjoy the free lunch.
11 Unreal Estate
Hopefully, you will have some power players in the SL at some
point. Also probable is that you will be driving along PCH between Laguna and
12 Show Me the Money
This is very important: never, ever talk directly about
money. Those who think about money too much don’t have enough of it. And you
need to show that you are so money green that you are simply doing the other
guy a favor by going into business with him. So, follow the golden rule of
drama: show don’t tell. On those rare occasions you are stuck paying for
something, always throw down hundreds. I know, this is tough since you may not
have a hundred bucks in the bank at the moment, but you have an impressive
stack of credit cards with cash advances. For the time being
anyway.þ