Groomed
A nine-step guide for men to
taking back the wedding day.
By
Terence Loose
|
W |
eddings are for women. But why is this? After all, men are
half the show, unless you’re Melissa Etheridge. But, really, most weddings could
not happen without us, so where are our props? Where’s our recognition? Women
have stolen the show; the only time we’re equally represented is in plastic
atop the cake. And if we’re honest – which we men always are – the big day is
really just one long excruciating chance to show her how much we care. Like
watching Sleepless in
But it wasn’t always that way. There was a time – and in
certain very repressed, backwater tribal societies today – when the wedding was
a man’s gig. The bride was essentially just one of the presents, kind of a
bribe, really. And while I’m not suggesting there was anything good about that
– hear that, honey? – I suggest we men need to take the wedding circuit back.
Here, then, is my nine-point plan to revolutionize the
wedding industry and gain back our rightful footing.
1. Media Blitz
Visit Borders Books or Barnes and Noble and you’ll find an
entire section on weddings filled with over a dozen publications, mostly named
something like Bride, or For the Bride, or L.A. Brides. There is no Groom
magazine. And even the magazines named Weddings are from publishers such as
Martha Stewart or Sunset. Apparently, Maxim doesn’t see a market in weddings.
Take a gander at any of the magazines’ mastheads and
contents: Modern Bride’s editorial staff is made up of 26 women and one man –
how fast do you think his idea for a “Brides in Bikinis!” issue got shot down?
The Sunset Weddings writing staff is totally void of any male voice. Martha
Stewart Weddings did a story on “Wedding Day Transportation.” In other words, a
story about cars and how to drive them. But guess what. Written by a woman.
So what we need is a major media push to make groomdom cool.
(Which means we can never use the term groomdom again.) I’m talking Playboy,
The Naked Wedding Issue; Stuff for the Groom; Rolling Stone’s Groom. If those
don’t sell, we go the religious route with something like
2. Plan for Success
What’s the Art of War saying? The battle is won or lost
before you get to the battlefield. Well, guys, that goes triple for weddings. I
spoke to two wedding planners and they both agreed that while most of their
clients attend planning meetings as a couple, most of the men are present in
body only. Lisa Simpson, owner of
But, apparently, we do wake up when it comes to certain
areas, such as the bar and the cake. “Guys are sticklers about cakes,” says
Simpson. “Not about the design but about the flavor and filling.” [Note to
guys: There is a Wedding Cakes magazine, unusually light on text and heavy on
full-page deliciously seductive photos. That’s all I’m saying.] Songs also hold
interest, but usually it’s about the ones we want banned. “One guy, who fell
asleep in a few meetings, was adamant that no [Village People] ‘YMCA’ was to be
played,” says Simpson. “He must have told me 50 times, no ‘YMCA.’ Then he was
late to the rehearsal and an hour and a half late to the wedding.” What do you
want to bet, “YMCA” got played – and he deserved every note.
The lowest things on the list? No surprises here. “The bride’s
dress and the flowers,” says Simpson. My own research in this area backs that
up. I polled a dozen of my male friends about the issue and 11 reported flowers
to be at the very bottom of their concerns.
Guys, we can do better. No longer should weddings be seen as
punishment for an outstanding bachelor party. We need to get in the huddle, we
need to plan, plan, plan. Then plan some more. In the words of Heaven Can
Wait’s Warren Beatty: “Let’s get to the Super Bowl and when we get there, let’s
already have won the game!” I’m not sure what that has to do with all this, but
it sounded inspirational, masculine and on-point before it hit the paper.
Still, here’s the plan.
3. Weekday Weddings
This idea alone could win the fight to excite men about the
“most special day of our lives.” Think about it. Most sports, and all crucial
games, are played on weekends. So unless your wonderful wife-to-be is a
face-painter, you’re either missing the game or sending out wedding
cancellations when The Day clashes with a Lakers playoff game. Even worse is
when a friend’s nuptials get in the way.
If there’s no game on, the beach is calling (see Step 5), and
in order to find parking for all those guests, it’s going to have to take place
on a weekday. Just remember to remind people in the wedding invitation to bring
plenty of quarters.
So, I propose a weekday rule. Maybe the Catholic Church could
back this baby, meaning massive increases in church bookings. The added bonus
is, it gets everyone a day off work.
4. Terminate the Tux
There’s absolutely no reason to get out of work only to be
forced to dress up. And let’s face it, no one likes dressing like a penguin and
hobbling around in plastic shoes. So the tux is out.
Besides, this is
5. More Fun Earlier
Not that I would ever associate myself with the rabid foam
cheese hat-wearing crowd that pulls into a parking lot three hours early for a
game in a van filled with a barbeque and enough beer to satisfy an Australian
rugby team, but you’ve got to admit, they do have fun. And that’s sort of the
point of any party. So I propose that it’s silly to make everyone wait until
the reception to have fun; besides, you’re in surf wear, so how serious can it
get?
Three words: competitive bocci ball. Or make it horseshoes or
over-the-line, whatever. The point is the prizes, which are the bridesmaids.
Okay, and to show there are no hard feelings about all the
years of male repression, we’ll establish a women’s league and give away the
ushers to the winners.
This should loosen things up a bit and fend off situations
like the one planner MacDonald found with one groom. “He kept fainting,” she says.
“He told me he got really nervous, but I didn’t think it would be that bad.” In
the end, MacDonald had to bring chairs out for the bride and groom to sit in
while they took their vows.
Of course, MacDonald also had a practical joker for a groom.
He was known for “having a cell phone growing out of his ear,” so he arranged
for it to ring just as he was taking his vows. And he answered it. “The bride
wasn’t real happy about it at first,” says MacDonald. “But by the reception,
she was laughing.”
See, there’s always hope for the brave!
6. No Self-Written Vows
I don’t know where that whole thing started, but I’d lay 10
to one it wasn’t with a groom. I just have one thing to say: Not a single guy
in attendance is saying, “God, I never knew Chuck was so poetic. He really
moved me today.” Leave the poetry for the wedding night, when there aren’t 200
critics watching and you can get rewarded for being a Longfellow.
Oh, and unless you’re Mic Jagger, absolutely no singing.
7. Gift Registry and
Honeymoon Combo
This is probably the area of most potential, and most need.
Every married guy out there knows what I’m talking about, because he had the
great pleasure of opening hundreds to thousands of dollars worth of...
housewares. Of course, there were those of us who were fooled into thinking we
had gained some ground when we were allowed to register at Home Depot. Tools,
building supplies. Sounds great, at first.
Here’s the thing: once you’re married, Home Depot represents
only work and, somehow, becomes more feminine: “Now you can get that drill to
hang the new daisy-patterned curtains, which are in aisle 12, by the way.”
Don’t be fooled. Just propose something truly exciting.
Following the new beachy theme, navigate to Waterwaystravel.com, where they have
a new Weddings Registry department that allows your guests to send you and your
new bride on an exotic honeymoon to the ends of the earth.
For the surfer, it’s especially perfect, as you can choose
from a number of desolate island destinations accessible only by boat. Pitch it
as a cruise. So what if the boat might roll more than a craps addict in Vegas,
you’re on the adventure of marriage, baby. And there’s great surf, beer and
fishing in yours.
8. Transportation
Personally, I hate the bone-rattling roar of a
muffler-challenged Harley Davidson as much as the next guy whose sole goal on a
Sunday is to just relax. But there’s no denying that nothing says hair on the
chest – and pretty much everywhere else – like a big chromed-out hog. So, guys,
we have to suck it up and replace that wimpy traditional white limo with a
road-eating chopper straight out of Easy Rider.
If she really protests, just tell her she can drive. No good
woman could refuse that.
9. Manners
Three words here: There are none.
What’s probably most amazing about traditional weddings is
how few grooms fail to show up for the big day. Both wedding planners said
they’ve never had a groom not show, at least of his own accord. “One guy [whose
wedding was in the hotel in which Simpson was working] didn’t show,” she says.
The bride made a tearful announcement and told the crowd the reception was now
just a big party.
During the reception, the groom, frantic and apologetic,
showed. “Turns out he had been kidnapped by his family, who didn’t approve of
the bride, and held captive in a
I think we can all learn a lesson from this man’s heroism.
Which is: Isn’t it curious that he summoned the wits and courage to escape what
must have been a family of professional wrestlers only when the stuffy wedding
was over and the party had begun? Yes, we owe it to this faceless ex-POWW
(prisoner of wedding wars) to mount up, get organized, and take back that
ceremony!
Oh, one last thing. You go first.